From the Window Again.

Bandra, Mumbai — February 2018.

High above the call of the crows there came another bird’s sound — its long, high warbled note implied a sweeping, swooping seabird. It was several days before I glimpsed them from the window, their smooth sweep high above the crows, disdainful of the courtyard and its window cages. They circled the sky above the building-tops, settled only on high roofs where they would have a view across the sea.

A cat, white forepaws and a piebald behind, slunk across the top of a wall, paused, silent and still, to gaze into the garden below, continued, slipped under the barbed wire ringing the yard, and slipped precipitously down a tree to the ground. Later I saw him settled to his purpose, head down and ears pricked, crouched with latent spring in every muscle. He sat sentry over a corner of the red trodden-earth yard, eyes fixed on the shadowy border of deep green growth.

Anxiety.

Bandra, Mumbai — February 2018.

I had been afraid — some element of superstition had mingled with the dread that unaccountably, always, clung to my chest. The great barrel of metal, furnished in grey plastic, shaking and rattling with the vibrations of the air pressed against it, had seemed flimsy. Its breaking-up slowly, piece by quiet piece, under the force of its unnatural journey alone, had not seemed far-fetched. The creations of humanity inviolate — I could not believe in that myth in this lonely expanse of dark empty sky. We might slip away — the great violence of our breaking muffled and rendered silent by the cloud. Though as a child the noise and energy of a plane’s take-off had worried me, never had I felt so deeply disquieted by flight — a distress without urgency or focus, a heightening of my new natural state.

Morning Crows.

Bandra, Mumbai — February 2018.

From the windows at the back of the flat came the incessant craw of crows. They moved about the courtyard garden, seeming to fling themselves in short bursts, from window cage to rooftop to the curling wild boughs of jungle tree. Most of all, they liked the window cages, and each morning one would settle at ours as we had our breakfast and begin its craw, part warning-off to its mates, part entreaty for food. Ammama would feed them, scattering scaps onto a sheet of magazine paper across the bottom of the cage. Though we did not do the same, the birds came each morning from habit and in expectation, cycling through the windows of the buildings circling the court.

Our ancestors reincarnate, crows are believed to be — I was not sure this made me like them any better. I had made eye contact with a crow that sat on a roadside wall in our first day wandering the streets of Bandra — an attempt to show the bird I was unafraid, but it was me who turned away first, unnerved at a somehow deeper level than that of physical fear by the look in its round, dark eye.

Leaving KL.

On-board Malaysia Airlines flight from KL to Mumbai — February 2018.

The plane hurtled down the runway.

Tipped, to fill the window with a sea of green, an endless landscape of pineapple trees.

Tipped again — her stomach rolled — an endless scape of sky.

It seemed less likely that a plane could disappear into a bright pineappled world than it had as they roared through the nothing night.

Found in a Notebook, ca. 2013-15?, Mumbai.

The train station perpetually swarms with people. We take an auto there most days, emerging bright-eyed into the street, past the guards who sit in moulded plastic chairs at the door of the building, through the black iron gate. Sometimes we have to wander towards the main road, eyeing each passing rickshaw for shadowed faces and bright clothes in the black back seat. At the large intersections people approach the autos — women, sometimes in saris, hold out their hands, touch my head in blessing, move their hands to their mouths. Men step up with punnets of strawberries, with toys, postcards and posters. Bicycles sidle past, trays of brown and white eggs tied to their backs. As we approach the station, the mood of the streets seem to change. Shops line the paths. Muslim men in white caps, white kurtas, and long beards, and the women encased in black cloth.

Dated September, 2013.

The plane, despite its —— per hour, seemed to creep through the air, orange lights slowly edging along the ground below, growing only infinitesimally closer.

When the plane landed with a rough thud the girls in the seats behind her gasped and giggled. She felt nothing, and contemplated the nothing feeling; evidently it was not the plane ride that could explain the afternoon’s growing anxiety. Really the argument never had made much sense — she was not afraid of flying.

The plane drew slowly towards the terminal. The captain was speaking again; she tuned in to hear him say, ‘…the local time is a quarter to eight…’ A quarter to? They had been due at eight. The plane’s early arrival seemed impertinent, and fifteen minutes of immobility, strapped into the narrow seat, seemed an unbearable proposition. She was hungry, which heightened the sense of discomfort in her core.

Though she usually felt a kind of amused disdain for the passengers who leapt to from their seats the moment the seatbelt lights were extinguished, on this occasion she was quickly on her feet.

As she power-walked up the —— she was glad of her comfortable blue espadrilles.