One Ghost Crept In.

Silently, he sidled up, to speak to me of his death.

He stepped into my inattention, my rapt, lost, quiet moment, empty of all thought, anchored in this place—he stepped in through an open door.

Silently, I greeted him.

He spoke quietly, but somehow, not in words, and told me—of the cold, and slipping, of the body drawn, and stopping. Told me—of his heart, raced-heartbeat, its reaching, its long-slow,

and stopping.

He told me—why.

As I listened, the weak sunlit sky of day was made all dark. I saw the spotlights’ circles flash and search, their beams made crossed swords clashing. I heard the rain that made the river rise to meet the sky, made water of the air, and suffocated the swimmer’s breath. I too was drawn, lost in liminal spaces, not in time, but drawn, and drowning. Before us ran the river; beneath our feet and at our backs grey stone drew closer, tighter, rain-wet and black, spotlight-flashed.

Silently, I listened.

He told me—of setting Westward stroke, night fallen, of swimming through the dark. I heard the siren stir; the blood in me was pulsed. He told me—or was it that I heard them?—of bullets cutting course through water. Told me—

this is where I died.

From the door, left ajar, cold breeze whispered, made ice of bones, deep-seeping under skin.

And silently,

still, the river ran.

It was a very New York story.

The subway was fetid with humidity. Taking the detour uptown to change my clothes had been a wasted effort. A dark patch already flourished at the armpit I had to raise to reach the overhead holds as I rode the train back down to the East Village; by the time I made it to the top of the exit stairway sweat clung to the skin of my stomach and grabbed stickily at my shirt.

Emerging onto Essex Street was barely a relief. A solid bank of dark clouds lowered the ceiling of the sky, and there was no breeze besides the cool flow of air-con escaping from shop doors.

It was a regulars-welcome kind of bar, oblong and small. The kind of bar where the very arrangement of the furniture encouraged either solitude or intimacy. It was a lovers-and-loners kind of bar.

We had the place to ourselves for a few hours. It was still the afternoon; the bar hadn’t got going yet. He poured them, and I drank. Memory licked at the edges of the picture, thick and sweet as the blueberry-flavoured liqueur in my glass.

A bar for lovers and loners. But which one was I?

A Place You Can Slip Into.

Each place we connect with teaches us something — leaves something embedded within us. Some layer of the city’s smudge, some scent of countryside that clings, some pulse that enters the heart and lingers.

Then there always is its pace somewhere inside you — the pace of the place — its rhythms, its moods — a place you can slip into.

The North Star.

How I felt upon seeing that bright spot in the sky.

A single, bright star.

So long had I been gazing upon a different sky that I was quite shocked to see it. A single, bright, close star.

My eyes glued to the star as the taxi streaked quietly on into the gloaming, and the star through the window grew only brighter.

And again, she thought that she might cry.

To England, where my heart lies.

Sweet hymnal music and the chirp of springtime’s birds.

Brickwork, colours so varied and subtle, aged. Repainted, refreshed, changed, restored.

Pink Mayfair! Oh, glory!

Just to walk there — here, there, and everywhere — just to walk there is to live. Not for so long — so long — have I felt so alive.

Fear.

I used to sing around the schoolyard, tunes from Fred Astaire movies.

Isn’t it a lovely day to be caught in the rain?

I’m stepping out, with mah honey; can’t be bad to feel so good.

Shall we dance? Or keep on moping? Shall we dance, and walk on air? Shall we give in to despair? Or shall we dance with never a care?

It was strange; before then I had never sung out loud, where anyone could hear me. I could sing with the choir, I could sing alone, but never to be heard. So frightened of the sound, my throat would catch up.

At some point later, I stopped singing again. I wonder now if I was happiest then than I have ever been. Why else could I sing?